3 MINUTE MONDAY

Hi friend,

It is a sad fact that it’s more socially acceptable to be your own biggest critic rather than your own biggest cheerleader.

This creates a fertile environment for external criticism to make you doubt yourself more than it should.

Here are some strategies you may have used to try and avoid the pain of criticism with varying degrees of success:

• Get bitter and think of any critic as a hater just throwing envy and shade; recite the quote “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from”.
• Channel your inner Goggins and use it as fuel to prove people wrong.
• Get equanimous and see every criticism as a gift which you can learn from.
• Get psychoanalytical and think of criticisms as a window into the mind of other humans (bonus points for inferring sweeping generalisations about the public at large from whatever you read).
• Be incredibly precise with language so no spare words which could be misconstrued are present.
• Front-run potential criticisms by caveating before speaking “Hey I’m just an idiot spitballing a broscience theory here…”
• Acknowledging both-sides “I mean look, I think climate change/women’s mental health/poverty in Africa is an important issue we should focus on too, but…”
• Avoid exposing yourself to it: never search your own name on Twitter or Reddit, don’t read the comments.
• Dampen down the edginess of your opinions and statements so the point gets made but in such a gentle way that people can’t find anything sufficiently objectionable to get mad about.
• Deny that it gets to you and just breathwork/busy/meditate/scroll/BJJ your way into distraction.
• Take it to heart, doubt your abilities and fear that you’re not cut out for any level of exposure at-large.

You can create all the life-history-informed explanations you want about feeling left out as a kid, needing to be perfect for your parents to notice you, a pervasive fear of being in trouble but not knowing why, anxious attachment, codependency, inferiority complexes, whatever.

But in reality, you probably just really want to be accepted and have people like you.

And when that gets threatened, it doesn’t feel very nice.

It’s common wisdom to say “the only criticisms that sting are the ones that are true”.

I disagree.

I think we feel even more indignant about criticisms which aren’t true but that people may believe.

The only thing worse than having your reputation risked for something shameful you did is having your reputation risked for something shameful you didn’t do.

Which explains why it’s so hard to stop caring about people misjudging you.

Why on earth would you listen to the opinions of people who don’t like you, don’t understand what you’re trying to achieve, don’t have your best interests at heart and actively enjoy being mean?

Because other people might believe their misjudgements.

So… go gentle with yourself when dealing with criticism. It's tough.

And if your confidence has been hard-won, try to protect it appropriately.

MODERN WISDOM

I do a podcast where I pretend to have a British accent. You should subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
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This week’s upcoming episodes:

Monday.
Andrew Schulz - awesome episode. Fertility challenges, becoming a dad, family life, Trump, Elon, Conor McGregor, everything.

Thursday.
Ethan Kross - evidence-based ways to deal with negative emotions. How to stop feeling low, the best ways to regulate your feelings. Tons of great strategies in here.

Saturday.
Yung Pueblo - the keys to living a mindful, peaceful life. How can we all tap into groundedness and security? How can we let go of challenging thoughts? How can we be kinder people?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED

1.
​An agreeable, thoughtful partner is important for a successful marriage.

“If you are looking for a happy and long-term romance, pick a partner with high levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness.

These traits are associated with longer and happier marriages.

Men and women high in conscientiousness tend to be more faithful.” — Rob Henderson

2.
​Feelings don’t care about your facts.

“Human minds will discard inconvenient facts if they don’t make them feel better.

Being correct barely wins minds, and it never wins hearts.”

3.
​Don’t believe the cynics.

“The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you believe that the pessimists are the good guys.” — Packy McCormick

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Big love,
Chris x

Try my productivity drink Neutonic.
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PS
Go for a walk.